Funny Lists
from 1998 emails
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Reported to be actual church signs....
1. Free Trip to heaven.
Details inside!
2. Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
3. Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
4. Have trouble
sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one!
5. A singing group called "The
Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed
the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection
is postponed"
6. People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water
before you know how strong they are.
7. God so loved the world that He did
not send a committee.
8. Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
9. When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right!
10.
Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday
11. Fight truth decay - study the
Bible daily
12. How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Nonsmoking?
13.
Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives
14. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard,
the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of
this world
15. It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
16. Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church
17. If you don't
like the way you were born, try being born again
18. Looking at the way some
people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon
19. This is
a CH_ _ CH What is missing? UR
20. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
21.
In the dark? Follow the Son
22. Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up
23. If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
24. And
a more current sign is... Awesome Powers - the God who snags us!!!
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An Everyday Survival Kit
Toothpick
Rubber band
Band aid
Pencil Eraser
Chewing gum
Mint
Candy Kisses
Tea Bag
Here's
why: Toothpick - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others...Matt
7:1
Rubber band - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go
the way you want, but it will work out...Romans 8:28
Band Aid - to remind
you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's...Col. 3:12-14
Pencil -
To remind you to list your blessings everyday...Eph 1:3
Eraser - to remind
you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay... Gen. 50:15-21
Chewing gum
- to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything ...Phil 4:13
Mint - to remind you that you are worth a mint to your heavenly father ...John
3:16-17
Candy Kisses - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday
...1 John 4:7
Herb Tea Bag - to remind you to relax daily and go over that
list of God's blessings...1 Thess 5:18
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THEME SONGS FOR BIBLICAL CHARACTERS
Noah: "Raindrops Keep
Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The
Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I"ve Got a Right to
Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Happy Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The
Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau:
"Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Mesach,
and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon
a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah:
"Stayin' Alive"
Moses: "There's a Place For Us"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
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Subject: My resignation as an adult
I am hereby officially tendering
my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities
of an 8 year old again.
* I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
four star restaurant.
* I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
make ripples with rocks.
* I want to think candy is better than money because
you can eat them.
* I want to lay under a big oak tree and run a lemonade
stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
* I want to return to a time
when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't
know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully
unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
* I want
to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
* I want to
believe that anything is possible.
* I want to be oblivious to the complexities
of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
* I want to live
simple again.
* I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains
of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there
is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
*
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace,
dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So....here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause... Tag! You're it."
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35 Truths Learned from Kids
From a San Diego father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children:
1. There is no such
thing as childproofing your house.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies
and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 4-year-old's voice
is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash
over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing
pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.
5. It is strong enough, however,
to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20' room.
6. Baseballs make marks
on ceilings.
7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the
ball up several times before you get a hit.
8. You should not throw baseballs
up when the ceiling fan is on.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long
way.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh",
it is already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smokes--lots
of it.
13. A 6 year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.
14. A magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed
as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes.
16.
A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq ft house almost 4 inches
deep.
17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
18.
Duplos will not.
19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in
the same sentence.
20. Super Glue is forever.
21. MacGyver can teach us
many things we don't want to know.
22. So can Tarzan.
23. No matter how
much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water.
24. Pool filters
do not like Jell-O.
25. VCRs do not eject Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches,
even though TV commercials show they do.
26. Garbage bags do not make good
parachutes.
27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
28.
You probably don't want to know what that odor is.
29. Always look in the
oven before you turn it on.
30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
31. The
fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute response.
32. The spin
cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
33. It will,
however, make cats dizzy.
34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life. (....unfortunately,
mostly in retrospect). :-)
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The Forgotten "10 Other Commandments"
Thou shall not worry, for worry is the
most unproductive of all human activities.
Thou shall not be fearful, for
most of the things we fear never come to pass.
Thou shall not cross bridges
before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
Thou
shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.
Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them
than you can.
Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is
forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
Thou
shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas
from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some
people do know more than you do.
Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration,
for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot
of small blessings add up to a big one.
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Wise Advice From Kids
1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10
2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer him. - Michael, 14
3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14
4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9
5. Never pee on an
electric fence. - Robert, 13
6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha,
13
7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10
8. When
your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11
9.
Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14
10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12
11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9
12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo,
9
13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9
14.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. - Kellie, 11
15. If you
want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - Naomi, 15
16. Felt markers
are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9
17. Don't pick on your sister
when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10
18. When you get a bad grade
in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13
19.
Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8
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WOMEN IN THE CHURCH:
Unique and powerful Church membership roles have a majority of women, yet positions of leadership tend to go to men. Women are valued in the labor they do, yet sit on the sidelines when it comes to key leadership roles. God has a plan for women in the church. He has given them special gifts, unique to their personality.
Women: How to unwrap, assemble,
and begin to use your gifts:
* Don't forget the batteries. Using a gift
without the power of the Holy Spirit is like trying to get a talking doll to say
I love you without a battery. No matter where you are in your spiritual journey,
make your relationship with Christ the number one priority.
* Seek God's will
- not your own ambitions. Start out by discovering what your spiritual gifts are.
Ask God to show you how to use them. Above all, use them. God has given you gifts
in order to build up the body of Christ, whether it's reaching out to unsaved
neighbors or to unreached people on the other side of the world.
* Look for
every opportunity available to minister in and through the church. Begin at the
local level while being open to opportunities beyond your own denomination. Seek
the church's blessing on your ministry. Many people have become active in larger
ministries because there hasn't been opportunities for leadership within their
own congregations.
* Be willing to tough it out. Leadership for women is often
harder than for men, not only because of your God-given natures, but also because
it takes courage to step into an arena primarily inhabited by men. And it's especially
difficult when you are also trying to be supportive wives and available mothers.
* If you are married, seek the support of your husband. If God wants you in a
certain place, He will make it known not only to you, but to your husband. If
your spouse opposes you, re-check your timing and God's will.
* Be a mentor.
If you are in a position of leadership it is prudent of you to train those who
are to come behind you and encourage them in the use of their gifts. Any help
you give another person will always be of value in the Kingdom of God.
* Work
hard at maintaining a balance between your femininity and the strengths necessary
to use your gifts effectively. A mature Christian woman can demonstrate inner
strength, confidence in God's leading in her life, and wisdom in decision-making,
while at the same time showing respect and appreciation for the men to whom she
relates. Men and women are not adversaries - we are meant to be partners.
*
Be sensitive to your culture, even when it goes against your freedom in Christ.
Because of the tremendous opportunities for women in the secular world today,
the churches' lack of opportunity for women can be offensive. Women need to demonstrate
the wholeness and freedom Jesus has granted them, worshiping Him, and exercising
patience with His church - rather than give up on her.
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Only in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places
in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.
Only
in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage...
Only in America...do
we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only
in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"..
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DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS
Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered for high school and college graduates a list of things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how the liberal, feel good, politically correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life
is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4:
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have
tenure.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
Rule
6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes.
Learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and
listening to you tell how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the
closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners
and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades,
they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course,
bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life.
Rule 9: Life
is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers
are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule
10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the
coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll
end up working for one.
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The Holy Spirit
The Holy Spirit is not a predictor, He is a discerner. Those that predict, see how things appear. Those that discern, see how things really are. You will have to depend on the discernment ability of the Holy Spirit because: Deception will be too appealing at times even to cloud your keen sense of perception. Wrong people do not always look wrong. Wrong direction does not always look wrong. Every tragedy in your Christian life can be traced to something that the Holy Spirit discerned in you, about a potential problem, that you ignored.
Discernment of the Holy Spirit is God's gift to you, so you do not all fall prey to what you can't see in the natural, but you can discover by the Spirit! The purpose of discernment is so you are not dominated by the surface realm of appearance, more than the information realm of the Spirit. You must be able to "Name things for what they are." You will never "Name things for what they are, until the Holy Spirit shows you the way things are!"
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TODAY'S CHAMPION DEVOTION KEYS:
* Document what He shows you. What He will show
you, is not for others...it's for you.
* Protect what you see. Don't get upset
if others do not discern what you discern. Keep what you see between you and the
one that revealed it to you, until He instructs you about what to do with it.
* Pray about what you see. When the Holy Spirit shows you something, He gives
you on anointing to "Stand in the Gap for it" (Ezekiel 22:30). TODAY'S CHAMPION
DEVOTION KEYS: I Corinthians 2
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Running To Finish
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 3:12-14 May is Marathon Month, featuring tons of LOVE Notes based on the theme of "running a marathon". Why? Because last Saturday I ran the Indianapolis Mini-Marathon (13.1 miles)....and two hours is a long time with nothing to do but run and think. Marathons attract all kinds of people, and half-marathons attract an even wider variety, since more people can complete them. Of the 20,000 who participated last Saturday, there were at least three different groups:
1. Those who ran to win. About 50 people (0.25%) actually thought they might win the race and come in first. I was not in this group. (I suspect some of these people are not actually human, but aliens from a planet of Kryptonite-powered running robots. I have no proof of this.)
2. Those who ran to place. Another 500-1000 (about 5%) probably ran to win a divisional prize, improve their time and train for a marathon, or some other serious purpose. I was not in this group.
3. Those who ran to finish (the other 94.75%). I was in this group. Ah, group three. We are the ones who struggle to make it to the next water stop. We are the ones whose biggest fear is not that we will finish outside the top 20, but that we will get sick and throw up right in front of a Channel 13 news camera. We are the ones who know we should have trained more than we did, and swear we will next year....but probably won't. When asked, "What was your time?" we answer simply "I finished." I am amazed that at almost the exact moment I crossed the halfway point, a man from Kenya was crossing the finish line. I am amazed at the men and women (some in wheelchairs) who are so much faster than I am. But I don't go to compete with them. I go to compete with the track, and with myself. I run to finish. In the Christian race, we are all in category three. We are slow, fast, fit, fat, and everything in-between. Some of us stand out for our speed, and we amaze the crowds with our skills, while others will barely drag across the finish line, passing out on the ground as we finally complete the course. But in this one race, fast or slow, we all can win the same prize. For many marathon runners, the thing that gets them through the last mile is something very simple: the sight of the finish line. By keeping their eyes focused on that banner, they can make it to the end. As believers, we are running to finish. Don't get distracted. Keep your eyes focused on the finish line. And remember the prize.
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Rules For Men
1. The FEMALE always makes the Rules.
2. The
Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No
MALE can possibly know all the Rules.
4. If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows
all the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of them.
5. The FEMALE
is never wrong.
6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
7. If Rule
6 applies, the MALE must apologize IMMEDIATELY for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
9. The MALE must NEVER
change his mind without the expressed written consent of the FEMALE.
10. The
FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The MALE must
remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.
12.
The FEMALE must under no circumstances let the MALE know whether or not she wants
him to be angry or upset.
13. The MALE is expected to be a mind reader at
all times.
14. The MALE who doesn't abide by the RULES can't take the heat,
lacks backbone and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document the RULES could
result in bodily harm.
16. If the FEMALE has PMS, all the RULES are null and
void.
17. The FEMALE is ready when she is ready.
18. The MALE must be
ready at all times.
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God
Let's
meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God
C'mon over and bring the kids.-God
What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God
We need to
talk. -God
Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God
Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -God
That "Love Thy Neighbor"
thing... I meant it. -God
I love you and you and you and you and... -God
Will
the road you're on get you to my place? -God
Follow me. -God
Big bang
theory, you've got to be kidding. -God
My way is the highway. -God
Need
directions? -God
You think it's hot here? -God
Have you read my #1 best
seller? There will be a test. -God
Do you have any idea where you're going?
-God
(And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. -God
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DAYS OF THE WEEK
Monday - Wash Day Lord, help me wash away all
my selfishness and vanity, so I may serve you with perfect humility through the
week ahead.
Tuesday - Ironing Day Dear Lord, help me iron out all the wrinkles
of prejudice. I have collected through the years so that I may see the beauty
in others.
Wednesday - Mending Day O God, help me mend my ways so I will not
set a bad example for others.
Thursday - Cleaning Day Lord Jesus, help me
to dust out all the many faults I have been hiding in the secret corners of my
heart.
Friday - Shopping Day O God, give me the grace to shop wisely so I
may purchase eternal happiness for myself and all others in need of love.
Saturday
- Cooking Day Help me, my Savior, to brew a big kettle of brotherly love and serve
it with clean, sweet bread of human kindness.
Sunday - The Lord's Day O God,
I have prepared my house for you. Please come into my heart as my honored guest
so I may spend the day and the rest of my life in your presence.
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TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
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TOP TEN REASONS MY DOG WON'T USE A COMPUTER
10. T0oOop hqa5rd
6tt0}o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh ;pa3wds ( Too hard to type with paws)
9. "Sit" and
"stay" were hard enough; "delete" and "save" are out of the question.
8. Saliva-coated
floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
6. Involuntary
tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing.
5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "you've got mail".
3. Too
messy to mark every Web site he visits.
2. Fetch command not available on
all platforms. and
1. Can't stick his head out of Windows 95.
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Northerners Visiting or
Moving to the Southern States
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait
in the same store.
Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy." Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialec this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
8. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
9. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
10. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
11. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
12. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
13. If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
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North and South
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes The South has
'mater samiches
The North has coffeehouses The South has Waffle Houses
The
North has dating services The South has family reunions
The North has switchblade
knives The South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has double last names The
South has double first names
The North has Ted Kennedy The South has Jesse
Helms
The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance
The North
has the Mafia, The South has NASCAR
The North has Indy car races The South
has Swamp Buggy races
The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal The South has
grits
The North has green salads The South has collard greens and chitlins
The North has lobsters The South has crawdads
The North has Distilleries,
Breweries, and liquor stores The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners
The North has the rust belt The South has the Bible Belt
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Subject: Technology for country folk
Log on: Makin' a wood stove hotter.
Log off: Don't add no more wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
Mega Hertz: When yer not kerful
gettin' the farwood.
Floppy disc: Whatcha' git from tryin' to carry too much
farwood.
Ram: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
Hard drive: Gettin'
home in the winter time.
Prompt: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
Windows:
Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
Screen: What to shut wen it's blak fly
season.
Byte: Whut them dang flys do.
Chip: Munchies fer the TV.
Micro
chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
Modem: Whutcha did to the hay
fields.
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
Lap top: Whar the kitty sleeps.
Keyboard: Whar ya' hang the dang keys.
Software: Them dang plastic forks
and knifs
Mouse: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
Mainframe: Holds up
the barn roof.
Port: Fancy Flatlander wine.
Enter: Northerner talk fer
"c'mon in y'all".
Random access memory: Wen ya' cain't 'member whut ya' paid
fer the rifle wen yore wife asks.
Mouse pad: That hippie talk fer the rat
hole.
Too cute to not share with all!
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ADVICE FROM A DOG
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and always stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
______________________________________
10 Signs That You've Had Too Much of the '90s:
You try
to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos
as "getting wasted."
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards
in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You
e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you
back "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web
site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give
your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via
a Web page.
Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate
used to play that you most despised.
You check the ingredients on a can of
chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
______________________________________
Eight Gifts that Do Not Cost A Cent
1) THE GIFT OF LISTENING... But
you must REALLY listen. No interrupting, no daydreaming, no planning your response.
Just listening.
2) THE GIFT OF AFFECTION... Be generous with appropriate hugs,
kisses, pats on the back and handholds. Let these small actions demonstrate the
love you have for family and friends.
3) THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER... Clip cartoons.
Share articles and funny stories. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."
4) THE GIFT OF A WRITTEN NOTE... It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note
or a full sonnet. A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime,
and may even change a life.
5) THE GIFT OF A COMPLIMENT... A simple and sincere,
"You look great in red," "You did a super job" or "That was a wonderful meal"
can make someone's day.
6) THE GIFT OF A FAVOR... Every day, go out of your
way to do something kind.
7) THE GIFT OF SOLITUDE... There are times when
we want nothing better than to be left alone. Be sensitive to those times and
give the gift of solitude to others.
8) THE GIFT OF A CHEERFUL DISPOSITION...
The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone, really it's
not that hard to say, Hello or Thank You. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.
They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share
a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends
how much you care.
______________________________________
Speeding
For those of you who drive, if you must speed on the highway, please sing these......
45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You
55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65
mph: Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph: This World
Is Not My Home
95 mph: Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph: Precious Memories
ah..................................
______________________________________
Subject: WOMEN
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens...but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women
wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive
home.
Woman friends keep secrets you told them years ago and never bring it
up again...Women have special qualities about them.
They volunteer for
good causes.
They are pink ladies in hospitals, they bring food to shut ins.
They are child care workers, executives, attorneys, stay at home moms, biker
babes and your neighbors.
They wear suits, they wear jeans, they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice.
They
are in the front row at PTA meetings. They vote for the person that will do the
best job for family issues.
They walk and talk the extra mile to get their
children in the right schools and for getting their family the right health care.
They write to the editor, their congressmen and to "the powers that be" for
things that make for a better life.
They don't take "no" for an answer when
they believe there is a better solution.
They can wipe a tear, cover a cut
and pat you on the back at the same time.
They eat a little so their family
can have more.
They rush to school to pick up a sick child.
They stick
a love note in their husband's lunch box.
They do without new shoes so that
their children can have them.
They go to scout meetings and are chaperones
on class trips.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They don't
make excuses for defending their family or friends.
They give a friend some
money in times of trouble.
They love unconditionally. They are loyal, honest
and forgiving.
They are smart, knowing that knowledge IS power. But they still
know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Their world consists of
goodness, love and caring. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends
and themselves.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends
get awards.
They get teary eyed when others do great things.
They save
their anger for the unjust and the insincere.
They tell people that need to
be told to straighten up their act.
They lend a shoulder to cry on, an ear
to listen and a voice to make suggestions.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They
have so much sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they
think there is not any strength left.
They can control situations that seem
uncontrollable.
They can round up energy when they are tired.
They can
stay up a little longer to talk to someone that needs a friend.
They will
rush to be by your side when they are lonely.
They will give up their favorite
TV show to help with homework or read a bedtime story.
A woman's touch can cure any ailment. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. She can make a romantic evening unforgettable. She can bring out the best in her spouse, children and friends.
They don't mind standing in the shadows.
They are not there to push, but to gently encourage.
They are cheerleaders,
teachers, loves and important in many peoples daily lives.
They can whisper
a kind work, scream a loud cheer and laugh away a fear.
They can mend your
broken spirit and give you back your self-esteem.
They can knit a family back
together after a break or a loss.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors
and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments, cabins and trailers. They drive,
fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
They have
hearts that forgive and forget an injustice.
They have hearts that remember
a kindness.
They have hearts that beat with loyalty and love.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin. They can cry and laugh at the same time. They can be sad and hopeful at the same time.
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They teach us to dream and make goals. They give compassion and ideals. They climb into a persons life and make everything better again. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
Women are leaders, but don't want followers. They want people to grow into the best person they can be. They want to touch you in a way that will make you share your goodness with others. One touch can turn a bad day into a better one. One extra minute of her time will make a child feel special. One more kiss will make her spouse feel loved.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give. After God made Adam, He improved by making Eve.
This was sent to you by someone who respects you as a woman and who sees many of your qualities in this letter...Why not pass it on to someone you recognize and know...?
______________________________________
CHRISTIAN FOOTBALL!!
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving
during the invitation.
Forfeit- What most of us do, by not attending Church
regularly (or at all).
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin
during worship.
Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship when
many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or
apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the
back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket
- What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute
Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to
gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses
his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What
happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out
of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense
- The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your
life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return
for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the
closing prayer.
______________________________________
God is Like...
GOD
IS LIKE COCA-COLA He's the real thing.
GOD IS LIKE GENERAL ELECTRIC He lights
your path.
GOD IS LIKE BAYER ASPIRIN He works wonders.
GOD IS LIKE HALLMARK
CARDS He cared enough to send the very best.
GOD IS LIKE TIDE He gets the
stains out others leave behind.
GOD IS LIKE VO-5 HAIR SPRAY He holds through
all kinds of weather
GOD IS LIKE DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you know him? Don't
you wish everyone did?
GOD IS LIKE SEARS He has everything.
GOD IS LIKE
ALKA SELTZER Oh, what a relief He is!
GOD IS LIKE SCOTCH TAPE You can't see
him, but you know He's there.
GOD IS LIKE AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD Don't leave
home without Him!
New Pages
Prepare for a Recession?
- I'm starting a list here of some things we are going to do to try to prepare
for this... somehow.
We Put Solar Lights in our
House - We've had a set of outdoor solar lights outside our house for 3 years,
and thought, "Why not put outdoor solar lights "inside" the house?
Wind
Turbine Test - We started thinking about how we could build a wind turbine
to generate our own electricity.
Magazines
for Toddlers - I wanted to send some magazines to the grandbaby for something
to do during winter.
